so i guess i'm an idiot. deep down i actually thought that placing mema in a nursing home meant the end of all the falls and such. what a dumbass. wishful thinking right? mema fell AT the nursing home last night and broke her hip. the other one. they can't do a full replacement, she couldn't handle it. they are going to piece it back together as best as they can and retire her to a wheelchair permanently. i just came from the hospital again...Jesus, she looks pitiful. omg. unbelievably so. she looks so terribly feeble. it's so hard to believe that just a short time ago she was gardening and driving and LIVING. now she's just here. aging sucks. it really does. it's bad enough how bad it sucks...but does it HAVE to be cruel in teh process??? apparently so.

and what an asshole i am. because not only am i worried about mema's help...i see dollar signs just flittering away. more and more and more outflow...as if the nursing home wasn't raping us monthly already.

so much stress. i'm looking VERY forward to therapy tomorrow. i really am. our discussions are changing from just my marriage to my relationship, my family that's falling apart at the seams, my mema and impending financial ruin. yeah. good times. let me tell you. but i like to hear what an outsider has to say. especially a trained one. lol

you get one thing right in your life and something else is sure to fall apart. just the way things work.

there's so much that i am thankful for and happy about right now...i just wish there wasn't always some major catastrophe trying to overshadow my happiness. RAWR!

i'm tired. i don't like this feeling. it's that drained and depressed tired. yuck.

i need a hug.

sometimes i hate change. i wanted our family to always stay the same and keep the same traditions. but that's all changing. has changed. i'm just going to embrace new traditions...and for the first time in my life... i honestly cannot wait to move somewhere else. i really can't. *daydreams*