Can't believe I'm doing this...

but here goes. I'm truly hoping for some therapeutic value from this.

I am a 38 year old working mother of two teenage boys. A house to take care of. Bills to pay. Two dogs. Two cats. A huge extended family. A very busy life. And until 3 weeks ago...very happily married. I don't care what anyone from the outside says. Apparently everyone else "saw the signs" but I was obliviously happy. Content. My life was planned out. For the first time ever I had real future plans. Plans that he and I made. I daydreamed everyday about our planned move to Florida, the house we would buy and the happily ever after we had planned in the next couple of years. I was in love with this man. Deeply in love. I've never felt like that about anyone I've ever been involved with i my life. He had been moody since Christmas. But he hates his job and our living situation wasn't exactly stress free at the time. And I thought he would work through it. I begged him to talk to me and let me help him through his problems...like a good wife would. And then 3 weeks ago he woke up, went to the bank, opened his own bank account, came home and packed...and he left me. I was...and still am...devastated. I love him. His reasons for leaving...He just "wasn't happy" and "realized he didn't love me anymore". Ouch. Also, admittedly, I am a very jealous woman. I do NOT trust easily. And he blames my excessive jealousy on his leaving too. That much of the blame I take. Other than that none of this is my fault. I wanted to work it out. Was willing to try anything. He said "I'm not interested. I don't WANT to come back home." I know now that I've never had a broken heart before. Never. Because this pain in almost unbearable. I've been sick and hurting since the day he left. I've almost become a permanent part of my couch. I can't eat, sleep, work, clean, cook. True depression.

So here I am. Starting over. Starting a new life at 38 years old. I'm depressed. But I finally saw my doctor. Lexapro and xanax help me get up off the couch some. And my doctor insisted upon counseling. I've seen my counselor twice now. Going back next week.

Hubby and I did everything together and I loved that. We were very close. Apparently now he's screaming about how he never had me time. Neither did I. But I didn't know I wanted or needed it. Now I have so much time on my hands and I am going to find out who I am. I've been a devoted wife and mother forever. I'm a wonderful sister and daughter and aunt. For the last two years I was my grandmother's main caretaker. I'm very good at my job. But who am I??? I do and am all of those things. But where is the ME factor??? My therapist says I am on a journey to find ME. I'm scared out of my mind. I want my husband beside me doing all these things that I am envisioning doing. But that's not going to happen. And I'm going to do things anyway!!!!!! I am.

I think I can. I think I can. ...Soon I hope to be saying I KNOW I CAN.

This may be sad and depressing at times. But I hope it gets happier and happier as I go. I hope.

I am a truly broken woman right now. It's unreal how lost and hurt I am. Just unbelievable how much I hurt.

But I've started making plans. And I'm jumping in head first. I have to busy myself. With the help of my family we are renovating my bathroom and bedroom!!!! In dramatic fashion! Pics to come. I am taking an introductory flying lesson this Saturday at the local little airport. (WHAT??? haha!) The first week of June I have a girls weekend planned in Downtown Savannah...hotel, beach, dinners, shopping, drinks. The following weekend I am flying to NEW YORK to see Ali, Jen with a heart, and Sara. I cannot believe I'm getting on a plane by myself. BUT I AM. The ticket is bought. They tell me the shoe shopping is better up there!!! *squeal* My sister, Ginny, and I have movie nights and drink nights and beach days planned. My baby sister, Casey, has invited me and Ginny and Bailey to Athens for a weekend in June to see her fiance, Seth's, band play at a festival. I'm trying to keep busy. My BBF's Ric and Jenn have been some serious backbone for me too. I don't know what I'd do without them. And when my world fell apart...my Mama (who is the best Mama in the world) came and took care of me. She was there for me like she'd never been before. (And she's been there before too. lol)

I am not over Hubby. I haven't even begun to get over him. But I have to keep busy. I have to. I'm laying around wishing I was dead. Literally praying for death so many nights. But I can't just lay down and die. I have children who need me. My pride's and joy. My oldest, Johnny, graduated from high school last Saturday. My baby, Jackson, starts high school in the fall. WOW.

Well I have to head down to the nursing home to see my Mema. But I will be back. This felt good.

My heart hurts. My head hurts. I'm still very confused. But I want to live. I want to have a life. I want to find myself.