This is going to be a bit random. And I may post too much here in the beginning. My head is just so full of thoughts. Getting them out just feels good.

Ginny and I had a meeting with the nurses at the nursing home this morning. They think mema is adjusting well and she is healthy. We visited for a while. It was nice. :)

What do people do with pictures of people who break their heart? All the mementos? I never much cared for the leftover stuff from other exes. But this time I don't know what to do with the hard copy physical memories from the last 8 years that are everywhere. I seriously just keep staring at it all. When Hubby came and moved out completely last week he threw cards, photos and stuffed animals of his in the trashcan right in front of me because "what am i gonna do with this now?" UGH. I'm living in piles of photos. We went so many places ad did so many things that I have photos and stuff EVERYWHERE. I guess at least I can box them up until another day and deal with them later. Now I need to focus on all of the memories in my head. So bittersweet. I guess the only want to quit dwelling on them all is to make new memories. Yes? I don't know what else to do. They are consuming me. He tells me how bad things have been so long...and all I can think about are the good times. I'm twisted. I'm warped. My brain malfunctions when my heart is in love. My friend, Feral gave me a great quote yesterday from Henry Rollin..."I'm okay, but my heart is stupid." MY heart IS stupid. Why can't it just quit loving him??????? Especially when he has told me over and over he doesn't love ME anymore. OUCH OUCH OUCH. Feral also said something that I found amazing and totally agree with. She said "I have a big heart, I just love the wrong people." *sigh* I truly thought I was in a forever relationship and he basically told me he "outgrew" me over the last few years. It happens. I know this. But I didn't think it would happen to us. Never in a million years. Funny that the first time I take the commitment of marriage so very seriously...take it to heart...is the time it turns around me and breaks my heart. Hubby told me that like my exes were to me I am but a "stepping stone" in his life. "A big one", but nonetheless a stepping stone. OUCH OUCH OUCH.

I am astounded at how much a broken heart can affect you physically. I'm just sick. Nauseous all the time. Tired all the time. Not much sleep, but so tired. I've lost 15 pounds in the last 3 weeks. Not good. And I'm not trying to. I just can't help it. UGH.

Forever now I have had an overwhelming desire to take care of everyone around me. I always try to "fix" everything. I tiptoed around and ignored problems and just kept trying to create happiness. Ignore problems and they go away, right? Apparently not. This time it didn't work out that way for me. I do and do and do and I give and give and give...and I always come last. Always. Not anymore. My boys will still come first. But I am going to learn to take care of me, to do what makes me happy and HOW to even be happy. I'm not even sure what makes me happy. I thought HE made me happy. But I keep being told that another person can't fully make you happy. It has to come from within. He has that problem. he's unhappy with himself. Who he is inside. But now I have to worry about me. I never wanted me time. I always wanted couple time, family time, friend time. I've always been afraid of being alone. Well I don't want to be alone now....but it's been forced upon me and I am going to embrace it. I hope. Ok, I'm going to TRY and embrace it.

I want to find a good yoga class. I want to take dance classes. I have the best hair I've had in a while. LMAO And that sure helps things out greatly. Funny how that is.

I've had a little health scare this past week. Two lumps in my left breast. One big and one small. One was just a cyst that has been drained and it nothing. The other was biopsied yesterday and I'll know something soon. Chin up right? It's time for GOOD THINGS to happen to me.

Here's a TMI part if you don't want to know. Stop here. I have HUGE trust issues. HUGE. This is the main reason Hubby says our marriage ended. It was a big BIG reason for a lot of our problems. But it was not all of our problems. I was not all of our problems. I had a very checkered past before Hubby. I cheated on husband number one with husband number two. I cheated on husband number two with current (almost ex) Hubby. I would NEVER have cheated on Hubby #3. NEVER. I truly had found what it meant to be devoted and faithful in a marriage. I no longer had the desire to look for anything else. I found that. And it was amazing. A wild child, party girl honestly settled down. But I was obsessed with the fact that he might cheat on me. Obsessed with it. That did truly cause a lot of stress and strain. It was unfair to him how I worried over it, but I couldn't help it ...I guess mainly because of the past I led...and because he kept all of his female friends away from me. He said it was so I wouldn't be "crazy" toward them. I just thought it made him look guilty. It's too late to do anything about it in this relationship...well, i guess there isn't a relationship anymore...but my therapist is going to help me work on trust issues and THAT I'm very excited about. Honestly. I'd love to be able to trust people. I would. I used to be a bad person. I really did. But I changed. Just not enough I guess. My therapist said I should have addressed these issues after husband number one and worked on ME back them before ever trying to have another relationship. I didn't. I just kept looking for....something. I don't know. And doing it all wrong. I used to think sex and love didn't have anything to do with each other. With current Hubby I found that intimacy. I found that it really does make a difference when there's love involved. But the last time we were together...he showed me that he had completely separated the two. And that HURT. Imagine having SEX (should be making love right?) with your HUSBAND and then finding out the cold hard fact that it was "just sex" to him. Imagine feeling it, knowing it, and then being told it. OUCH OUCH OUCH.

OK. Sorry for the sex stuff. I said don't read it if you didn't want TMI.

I've got to try and focus on work. Have to. I'm SO behind. It's a miracle I still have a job.